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December 28, 2006

I'll Be Home From Christmas

This month, I kept hearing that damned: I'll Be Home For Christmas. Okay, I shouldn't have said that. No offense to Perry Como, who does a lovely job with it. It's just that this is my mother's favorite Christmas song, and whenever I heard it this year, I thought of her.

I was home for Christmas this year, but my mother wasn't. She celebrated, to whatever degree she can celebrate, from her bed in a nursing home a few hundred miles away from me. Christmas, as do other holidays and special events, takes a back seat to the illness that controls most every aspect of her life: Alzheimer's Disease.

The problem is, we only know what we can see. She just can't tell us very much, and that's a horrible feeling. I have no idea what goes on in my mother's head, and whether or not she knew it was Christmas last weekend. My brother went to visit her two weeks weeks ago, when he was in Florida on business. He saw her the day he arrived, then returned again the next day after lunch, though he told her he'd tried to stop by in the morning (but was delayed). When he entered, she told him, "you're late." Apparently, some bits of conversation get through and stick with her. Just with you think you've lost her.

What does it feel like to live in her fog? Does she slip in and out? Does she always know what's going on around her, and perhaps just isn't able to communicate it to us? It's the mystery that keeps me up at night. And it's the mystery I'll never be able to solve.

Posted by L.C. at 01:33 PM | | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Filed under: Aging Parents | General 40ish

December 18, 2006

Fishy, Fishy

fishWe have a fish tank, where about ten fishies live happily and peacefully. Actually, we had a fish tank where they lived happily. They have all gone to fish heaven, and it's just such a shame.

I should explain that we loved and cared for those fish, at least my husband and son did, and we really did the best we could. But a few days ago, when my husband woke up to feed them, he was greeted with an odd site: a long, vertical crack front the top of the tank to the bottom. More than 20 gallons of water had leaked out onto our living room floor (hardwood with a large area rug in the middle). In the bottom of the tank, all the fish were clinging to life, living in the few inches of water that had not yet spilled out.

We tried to save them, really, we did. We transferred them to a temporary home (a large bucket filled with water) while we attempted to clean up the mess. But by afternoon, all but one fish had died. By the next morning, the lone survivor of the fish massacre was dead too.

We have no idea how the tank cracked. It looked like some sort of stress crack, and everything was just fine the night before when they were fed. But, these things happen in life. One moment, you're just swimming along through life, enjoying the view, eating your food, hanging out with your buddies. And the next, it's all taken away. Poor fishies. May they rest in peace.

Posted by L.C. at 03:14 PM | | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Filed under: Meaningless Gab

December 11, 2006

Finding the Silence Within

gownThere was an announcement at church this Sunday that made me perk up in my seat and pay close attention. (Not that I usually don't pay attention in church, it's just that my service is awfully early.) So a woman announced that next week, the church would be hosting a three-hour, guided meditation program. I saw a lot of eyebrows raise when she said "three hour", and I guess it does sound like a pretty long time. At least I used to think that, until six years ago, when I delved into meditation in order to find my center and do a whole lot of healing.

It was at that time that I left a job I'd only had for about 20 months. I'd contracted for the company for years, but it wasn't until I was an employee of the organization that I began to get so battered and beaten, emotionally, that I had to find some way to heal from it all. It was (still is) a huge, international company, and the job I landed sounded like a dream job. But I learned over the course of that year and a half that your happiness and emotional well-being isn't just about your job, it's also (maybe mostly) about the company. I encountered the most nasty, abusive people I'd ever met while I worked there, and the politics didn't end at politics; they lead to backstabbing, lies, intimidation, and much worse. I remember the last six months on the job, when I would arrive in the morning, and I'd have to sit in my car and talk myself into going inside the building. It was, without a doubt, the worse situation I'd ever gotten myself into.

So I quit, and before I reembarked on my freelance career, I took a few months to sit and think. I began to meditate, and could hardly sit still for five minutes when I began. But I kept sitting, in lotus position, eyes closed, and trying. And trying. And trying some more. I read books on yoga and meditation and got to the point where a one-hour mediation session wasn't difficult at all--on the contrary, it was one of the most healing, wonderful experiences of my life. I purged myself of the pain, grieved (again) the loss of a friend, and just spent a lot of time listening to my own breath. In my own guided mediations, I visited a quiet beach where I would go alone to think as a teenager in Florida. I found God again (I'd lost him along the way somehow) and made peace within myself and a few people in my life I'd never really forgiven.

Three hours of silence. It sounds grueling, maybe impossible to some people. But me, it sounds like heaven.

Posted by L.C. at 10:48 AM | | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Filed under: General 40ish | Health

December 05, 2006

How to Get Gorgeous For Holiday Parties

With the holiday season upon on, many of us will be attending parties soon. If you're like me, you totally dig the grown-up party scene, but can experience a bit of stress when it comes to selecting the right outfit for each event. I'll admit I have a tendency to overdress a bit, but some of my friends complain that they always seem to get it wrong and underdress for such events.

More magazine has some tips for holiday dressing this month, and I especially like the advice offered in Knockout Dresses That Flatter Your Body. And if you're worried about towing the line between "sexy" and "skanky", check out this other More feature, "Sexy" for Grown-Ups.

For makeup tips this season, check out Holiday Party Makeup Ideas from IndioIndians.com, Makeup Junkie: Holiday Style, from khou.com, and Holiday Beauty Tricks and Tips from about.com.

Posted by L.C. at 01:01 PM | | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Filed under: Beauty/Fashion