December 11, 2006 10:48 AM
Finding the Silence Within
There was an announcement at church this Sunday that made me perk up in my seat and pay close attention. (Not that I usually don't pay attention in church, it's just that my service is awfully early.) So a woman announced that next week, the church would be hosting a three-hour, guided meditation program. I saw a lot of eyebrows raise when she said "three hour", and I guess it does sound like a pretty long time. At least I used to think that, until six years ago, when I delved into meditation in order to find my center and do a whole lot of healing.
It was at that time that I left a job I'd only had for about 20 months. I'd contracted for the company for years, but it wasn't until I was an employee of the organization that I began to get so battered and beaten, emotionally, that I had to find some way to heal from it all. It was (still is) a huge, international company, and the job I landed sounded like a dream job. But I learned over the course of that year and a half that your happiness and emotional well-being isn't just about your job, it's also (maybe mostly) about the company. I encountered the most nasty, abusive people I'd ever met while I worked there, and the politics didn't end at politics; they lead to backstabbing, lies, intimidation, and much worse. I remember the last six months on the job, when I would arrive in the morning, and I'd have to sit in my car and talk myself into going inside the building. It was, without a doubt, the worse situation I'd ever gotten myself into.
So I quit, and before I reembarked on my freelance career, I took a few months to sit and think. I began to meditate, and could hardly sit still for five minutes when I began. But I kept sitting, in lotus position, eyes closed, and trying. And trying. And trying some more. I read books on yoga and meditation and got to the point where a one-hour mediation session wasn't difficult at all--on the contrary, it was one of the most healing, wonderful experiences of my life. I purged myself of the pain, grieved (again) the loss of a friend, and just spent a lot of time listening to my own breath. In my own guided mediations, I visited a quiet beach where I would go alone to think as a teenager in Florida. I found God again (I'd lost him along the way somehow) and made peace within myself and a few people in my life I'd never really forgiven.
Three hours of silence. It sounds grueling, maybe impossible to some people. But me, it sounds like heaven.
Comments
Abuse is abuse, no matter how you cut it. I left my job when the politics got to me. I had a headache every morning before work and I wasn't sleeping. I decided to go freelance, which was the best decision I have ever made. Now, even when the income is slow I am happy.
Posted by: Sharon at December 11, 2006 10:03 PM
It sounds as if you are talking about me, right down to the abusive boss, when you tell the story of how you felt at that telecommunications company job. I wonder if it was the same company that I liberated myself by leaving this year. Every morning when I got to the street where this place was, unconsciously my foot lifted off the gas until I realized it and had to put it back and "press on".
It had to have been one of THE best and most financially difficult decisions that I have ever made in my entire life leaving .
Thank you for your blog,
Sharon
Posted by: Sharon at December 12, 2006 12:26 PM
