April 24, 2007 07:55 PM
Bad Boys, Bad Boys...Watcha Gonna Do?
At 17, a certain teenage girl I know is learning a difficult lesson, and it is this: bad boys often have a certain appeal, and even the smartest girls may not be able to resist that appeal. Their rugged, what-will-he-do-next sort-of charm can be tough to dismiss, particularly when you are the object of his affection. But underneath it all, these guys are, well, still "bad". And I have yet to meet a woman who ended up living happily ever after with a bad boy.
So this girl I know, she's been in and out of love with a bad boy for more than two years now. They've dated a few times, typically for a month or two, and the end is usually quite emotional and disastrous. But in between the dating, she and the bad boy are friends--great friends, in fact, and I think this is why she often ends up dating him again. She, being a sweet young thing who sees a bit of good in everyone, admires his intelligence, sense of humor, and how much he cares about her. She even understands why virtually all her friends roll their eyes at the least, and beg her not to at the most, when she begins to develop "feelings" for him, once again. She says it will be different this time. Then, although he doesn't necessarily treat her horribly, his bad-boy behavior, habits, and problems get in the way and create some big conflict that ends in tears, yelling, and the much-expected "I told you so" from her friends.
So the other day, I was listening to the 2,375th story about how he has disappointed her. I just sat shaking my head, telling her all the things she already knows: She's smart. She deserves better. He isn't boyfriend material. And I make sure to tell her she'll learn from all of this--like I did.
My mistake wasn't just a bad boy, he was Mr. Wrong in every sense of the word. Everything about him was wrong--wrong time in our lives for a relationship, for starters, because I was 19 and he was 20, and the world was at our feet. But instead of chasing my dreams, I ended up chasing him around a lot, trying to take care of him. I spent years trying to fix him--his medical problems, his financial problems, his family problems, his school-related problems. And he was, in the classic sense, a bad boy. He drank too much, used drugs, did poorly in school, got speeding tickets, got into a few fights. He wasn't getting arrested for serious crimes, but I always worried that would be next, so I had to constantly keep an eye on him. It was like being the 19-year-old mother of a grown man. It was exhausting, and now and then, I wistfully look back and wonder what I missed during those years, when I was too young and in love to see that his neediness would never, ever be filled.
Three-and-a-half years of my life, gone, wasted, down the drain. Some laughs, some good times, but mostly not-so-good times. I was a smart girl making some really bad choices. Was it the excitement? My youthful inexperience? Sheer stupidity? Perhaps all three, at different times. And now I am surrounded by teenage girls who are doing the same thing, because the one girl I have been talking about isn't the only one who is falling for a bad boy. And when they're crying and they think the world is over because that bad boy has hurt them, yet again, I tell them this: "It's not you, it's him. You can't fix him, you will never fix him. So go on, make yourself happy. And learn from your mistakes. And from mine."
Comments
I can really relate.
When I was young and stupid, I did the same thing. In my naivete, I honestly didn't believe anyone would/could be mean or unreasonable. Ugh! Thankfully, Mr. Bad introduced me to a guy he thought I would get along with. Now that I've been married to Mr Wonderful for almost 20 years, Mr Bad is quite proud of himself for getting us together. Ha ha.
And thankfully, my daughters are, for the most part, avoiding repeating their mother's mistakes.
Posted by: Rebecca at April 30, 2007 06:36 PM
