February 14, 2008 05:32 PM
Dear L.C.: 38 and Frustrated
I got this letter from a reader this week. If you've got a problem and you'd like my totally unqualified opinion on how to tackle it, drop me a line using the E-mail Me link in the right sidebar.
Dear L.C.:Hello there. I was doing some web searching and this seemed like a good place to come to do a little venting and maybe get some advice :) I'm 38 and seem to be having a premature mid-life crisis. I just feel very much unfulfilled in both my personal and professional life. That's disheartening at this stage in life. I always thought that by 38 I would have everything together, yet in many ways I'm still searching.
I guess this was precipitated by a recent breakup. Its not that I'm terribly heartbroken, since we only dated for 2 months, not nearly enough time to fall in love. Its just the manner in which it happened that dealt a blow to my self esteem, and really made me look inward.
It happened last week. We met at a cafe and after finishing dinner he decided to break the news. In my old age I've lost my patience with insensitive men and I was just so annoyed by his business-like demeanor and the whole premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him there rather than going there together, obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwards. The moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, got up and calmly walked over to his side of the table and then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.
The resounding whack caught everyone's attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. I feel badly because I know it must have stung and left a red mark. I hope I'm not becoming psychotic. I didn't think I was capable of such behavior. I should swallow my pride and call him to apologize but it's just so difficult to do.
In retrospect, maybe I was more frustrated with myself than with him. The fact that I'm still unattached at 38 and just got dumped in public by someone five years my junior is not very inspiring. I really do feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
38 and Frustrated
Dear 38 and Frustrated:
We’re grown women. We’re supposed to have it all together by now. We are supposed to have great careers, gorgeous bodies, and that one, perfect romantic relationship. That’s what we’ve been told right?
Well the people who have fed us that crap are a bunch of idiots. I have a good husband, great kids, a lovely home, a cool job, and I’m still a wreck sometimes. You want the truth? No one has it all together. Some people are just better at looking like they do.
I recently wrote about my mother’s life journey, and how she, at nearly 80, seems to have finally reached a place of peace and bliss. It only took three children, a bad marriage that ended after 30 years, three strokes, and a rapid descent into Alzheimer’s Disease to get her there. That was her journey, and I hope mine doesn’t take me that long, or take me to some of the places she has been. But my point is that there doesn't seem to be a predictable, surefire path toward happiness or having it all together. Maybe our lives are supposed to be a little messy, or very messy, all the time. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of keeping us on our toes. Searching is good. Searching means you’re growing and living a real life.
You are so right—you are at a crossroads in your life, and you can go anyway you want to go right now. This year, as I watched my daughter apply to colleges and plan the new life she will begin hundreds of miles away from me in six months, I was thinking “Man, that is so exciting for her! I wish I was young and had the world at my feet and my life was just a big, blank canvas!” Then I realized that it can be. Okay, I can’t be young like her, and I have been married for almost 20 years, so I won’t be doing much (okay, any) dating. And I still have a husband and teenage son at home to keep up with, so I can't go to out-of-town college either. But I decided I needed to change things up in my life, because although I don't think I'm unhappy at the moment, I can get incredibly bored, and often wonder if I should be doing something else, if I could be just a little happier, if I'm missing out on something. So I started small, and bought the full series set of Sex and the City and have watched almost every episode. (Those are four women who will teach you that being over 35 can be a blast! Even if they are fictional.) Then I bought some new clothes and I overdress for casual occasions, and when people tell me I look great I just accept it and say “Thanks.” I plan at least one “play date” a month with my best friend, and we go out and have three-hour lunches and critique the outfits of all the people who walk into the restaurant. I have explored new parts of my city, and talked to homeless people at Krispy Kreme who just want a “Hot Doughnut Now” like I do. I volunteered to spearhead a huge project at church (an ESL program), even though I am NOT a joiner and pretty introverted, simply because I want to see what it feels like to give the gift of language to someone who is beginning life in a brand new country. It’s my own little “Welcome to America” present to them.
Do something different. Dye your hair, take an interesting class, meditate while listening Enya music, write letters, play the lottery, take a spin class—anything that takes you outside of the life that isn’t satisfying you. I was kidding with my friend the other day about having to go to a dinner party I didn’t really want to go to. She asked me why I was going and I told her: “For the past few years, I have attended almost every event or party I am invited to. My life is boring, and I find that if I take the chance, I almost always have fun or learn something new.”
As for the dude—well, that’s the thing about men. They just aren’t like us women. This guy just might have put together this whole “breakup dinner” with the idea that it was the least painful (for both of you) way to do it. Think about it: no humiliating drive home with him after dropping the bomb; acting like it was a business meal so he could disconnect with the situation; hoping that you might act like it was a business dinner too, so he wouldn’t have to admit he just hurt your feelings after you wasted your precious time on him. Either that or he’s just a cold-hearted jerk, and you’re so much better off without him in your life.
So you slapped him. So you’re not perfect. So what? If it makes you feel better to apologize, then go ahead and send him an e-mail or something. But if you don’t, well, maybe you just did the next woman he dates a favor. Maybe he’ll give her an ending that is a little more respectful because he doesn’t want to get slapped again. If you want to feel better about your breakup, watch the Sex and the City episode where Berger dumps Carrie on a Post-It Note. Then she tells his friends he’s bad in bed when she sees them at a bar.
Cut yourself a break. Give yourself some credit. You don’t have to have it all together, just try to have some fun. That can make not having it all together a little more bearable.
Comments
This is none other than Veronica, the original poster. L.C., your response was so thoughtful and comforting. After reading it, I had peace of mind, and didn't feel so alone in the world and hopeless. It's time to pick myself up and move on with my life and I do so with a renewed sense of inspiration.
You know, I think I'll forego the apology regarding the slap. Maybe I could have handled things better, but he's no worse for the wear, and the experience may serve him well in the future. In fact, he should thank me for giving him a free crash course in male sensitivity training, LOL.
Veronica
Posted by: Veronica at February 15, 2008 03:19 PM
